whats this whats this?!?!

So, this week I am pissed off about the following things:

Closed lunch. All week. Sure, it’s only three days, but,  it’s three days stuck in a hot, crowded lunchroom with a bunch of people I don’t want to be around, eating a bunch of disgusting delicious food that my diet doesn’t allow me to consume. So I will be sitting there, wishing I was HOME, eating my silly little turkey sandwich on whole grain bread and my dinky special k bar. Mmm. What a lunch. Three people screw around and act like immature idiots and the whole senior high has to pay for it. Way to go, a-holes.

School stress. Not only do I have to finish a ten page story, but I have to write a play by Thursday, too. I have no idea how I’m supposed to do that. For the story all I have to do is come up with an ending, but for the play… I’m screwed. I have no idea what to write it about or how to format it or anything useful whatsoever. I have a plot, but that’s about it. And it’s a shitty one at that.  I’m just gonna kinda wing it, that way it’s at least done and I’m not spending the next two weeks into 3rd quarter worrying about it.  I think my story is good enough to make up for that, I hope.  I also have a psychology final tomorrow that’s definitely gonna kick my ass, and I have to make up a test for Advanced Algebra and Trig. that I’ve been putting off all quarter. If I fail this, I can’t go on the activity day with the rest of the school to MOA without bitching out someone. (My councilor signed me up for this extremely challenging class because the schedule wasn’t working out for my advantage, she INSISTED that I would PASS THIS CLASS IF I TRIED. Guess not, eh?) I’m so dumb in math it’s ridiculous. I think I’m doing it right and NOPE, all wrong, you’re stupid, don’t even try.

I need a job, more than anything. I’ve filled out probably about 8 applications in the past month, and I’m SICK of being turned down or, worse, being told “Yeah we’re not hiring right now,” after an intense and extremely uncomfortable once over. I have no job experience, so of course my favorite part of filling out these applications is the “previous employment” section. Which I leave blank. Which is,  I’m guessing, a 60% chance I will NOT get hired because of said blank spot. Awesome. IF SOMEONE WOULD JUST HIRE ME… I wouldn’t have to look like a dumb ass turning in applications. Half of the ones I fill out I know I have no chance of getting hired, but the more I fill out, the higher my chances are. But this is getting ridiculous. I’m 16 damn it, I’m a junior in high school, I’m the daughter of a single parent, and I need to start saving up for college. Or I’m completely screwed.  I want to go to college in California, which is gonna be twice the money. I can’t expect loans and FA to pay for all of that, and I definitely can’t count on my mom. My Dad could help, maybe, but I doubt it, considering I just met him this past summer, so it’s a pretty touchy subject to bring up.  I’m screwed, I would give anything just for a job.

:sigh:

Now Jump Around by House of Pain is playing on my Ipod, and I’m done with my rant, and I feel a lot better. Thanks blog.

word to your moms, i came to drop bombs

i got more rhymes than the bibles got psalms

I CAME TO GET DOWN

^ Those types of blogs are my favorite.  Always have been, actually. I seem to get my best writing done when I shouldn’t be writing at all.

I’ve been meaning to write a blog, for a while now. I’ve just been procrastinating, because this is going to be pretty hard for me to write. I’ve been avoiding my feelings greatly, lately, (aha) in order to keep a positive attitude. But it’s a false positive attitude, and I just need to man up and get it all out. I don’t want to burden my friends’ ears with my repetitive talk about my problems, because they’ve heard this a hundred times. I can’t tell a stranger because I would have to start from the beginning, and work myself all the way through it, and that would be more hard for me in the end. So I figured, shit, I’ll write it on the internet. That way, only people who really care can read it. Or no one can at all, which I’m completely fine with, too.

And to the main event:

I’m being haunted by someone who is alive.  So much so, that it’s made me go into hiding. I avoid people and places for fear of finding something out that I don’t want to know, or seeing him, or anything that could possibly put me in a bad position involving him and me. He’s moved in on my hometown, started talking to and befriending people I have to see every day. I can’t go anywhere in the area, because he might be there,  because so many people know him, and so many people talk about him in my presence. It’s almost like they’re helping him torture me, in secretive, sick ways.  I have decided to move out of this state, out of this whole area, and start over as soon as  I can. Mostly because I want to get away from everyone that could be connected to him. (and for other reasons, that i’ll probably get into in another blog)

I’ve been so sad for so long because of him. I’m at the point where I can’t even be sad anymore. I tried converting my sadness to anger, and that worked pretty well for a while, but it faded, eventually. Thats when I decided, I’m not going to let it bother me anymore. But you can’t just decide that sort of thing. You have to feel it, too. I realized, probably a few weeks ago, that I’m really not happy at all.  I’m fake.  I keep my… sad emotions, my genuine, heart aching, pathetic emotions deep down, so no one will see them, so I will maybe, forget about them. But I can’t. It just won’t go away. You just won’t go away.

I’m not even sad that I’m not with him anymore. He treated me horribly. I was almost never happy, I was constantly dealing with his bullshit, or creating bullshit for the both of us to deal with. He hurt me, and after being hurt so much, you start to hate that person. But it was the longest relationship, and the most serious one,  I’ve ever had. And I let him hurt me for so long, let him drain me of all energy because all of it was going towards him.  It makes me so sad, with myself, that I let it continue for so long. I dismissed everything that made him seem like a bad person for SO LONG. I was so pathetic about him. I hate myself for it. He conned me into so much. Thinking about it now, he probably lied through over half of our entire, year long relationship.

And the worst part of it; The first guy I ever loved, turned me into a sex object, just like so many other people have done in my life. And I was blind to it in the beginning. Even when I realized it, I denied it in my head, made up excuses for it, and, then, finally, started hating him for it. But it took me so long. Too long.

The fact that I’m going to experience heartache more, and to a worse extent, throughout the rest of my long life, scares the living shit out of me. I know it’s possible to feel pain FAR WORSE than this. And thats horrible.

But it also keeps me going. It’s that little shove, the hands on my back, pushing,  that voice whispering in my ear; Wake up. Move on. You can do it. You’re too young for this shit. You don’t need to put yourself through sadness, because you have so many great things in your life.You are so much better than this. Thank you, voice in my head. Thank you, everyone who is backing me up, everyone who cares about me. Thank you, all of my distractions. I appreciate you.

SONG OF THE DAY= Who Says I Can’t Get Stoned- John Mayer

Well, to state the obvious; America is crazy around the holiday time because of the ridiculous spending, the fact that everything is all lit up with Christmas lights,  the fact that we all know the same Christmas songs and get together and sing them, kind of like a huge cult, and etc. Americans go a little crazy around the holidays. Thats just how it is.

But, I adore it. Every minute of it. Maybe it’s not this way everywhere, maybe it’s just in Minnesota, but I always notice everyone gets along so much better around the holidays. It’s like, no matter what you celebrate or believe in or whatever the case is, we all have something in common. We’re all celebrating something, and that makes everyone a little bit happier. I don’t think there is a whole lot of  violence going on in America right now, at least not as much, because it’s the holiday time. A time for family and presents and free stuff and sweet deals at the mall, and good food and an all over hopeful, optimistic attitude.

Sure, some people have shitty Christmas’s, that’s unavoidable, but, mostly I think, people get along. Also I think snow and cold has a lot to do with that. Minnesota Nice exists! I was listening to the radio last week during that first big storm, and tons of people were calling in saying either “I’m in the ditch!” or “I’m helping people out of the ditch!” Again, during the winter time we have so much in common. Everyone is cold, and miserable, and just about everybody has gone in the ditch before. When you add Christmas to that, and pretty lights and people stuck out in the cold just trying to get from place to place… it seems to make things just a little, little bit better.

I’d like to consider myself a pretty decent writer. Fiction, essays, speeches, the like. Though in no way would I ever consider myself a good blogger. So we’ll see how this fiction writing blog writing assignment goes. (Ha)

I’ll start by writing about what I enjoy writing about. (See this is too easy to make fun of!) First: zombies. I think it’s my slight obsession with zombie movies/books such as  Stephen King’s “Cell” that makes me so interested in writing about them. I think a zombie apocalypse would literally be the coolest thing to go through EVER. If I don’t get to slay some zombie ass at some point and time in my life, I will be severely disappointed. My life won’t be complete.  Writing about them is,  in my own special way, like being there and living in my story. Another thing that I enjoy writing about is tragedies. It’s pretty hard for me to write a happy go lucky story. Actually, it’s close to impossible.  Hookers, hit men, teenage pregnancies, suicide pacts, etc. I know it’s gory and I should probably step out of my own personal boundaries and try to write about something different, but I just… would really rather not.

Mostly I’m into memoirs, but I do like the occasional fiction book. “The Bell Jar” is probably my favorite, or, maybe “I Just Want My Pants Back”. Lots of Jodi Piccoult work is pretty good too, but lots of her plots repeat themselves. !984 and The Grapes of Wrath are two other favorite fiction novels of mine, also. I love to read, and I read fast and I get really into it. It’s like when you’re so involved in a story, and you just get sucked into it. It’s a way of escaping for a while for me.

The next fiction story I’d like to write about is something completely out of my element. For the past year or two I haven’t been able to finish a short story, and I think it might be something to do with the fact that they almost all have the same, slightly brutal or morbid plot. Although it’s my favorite to write about, I think I need a change and a challenge. Maybe then I can actually finish what I started, and after that I can go back to what I  like to write about and hopefully be able to finish it. I need a lot of help though, because I’m so horrible at conclusions. I always have been. In almost any writing I have to do, I either sum it up by some great series of events happening, so the climax is the end of the story, or I just bluntly end it. (Or I never finish it…) I need some serious tips on that.

that wraps up my first blog assignment. maybe i’ll do one on my own freewill next time, cause it wasnt so bad >.<

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